Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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