she smelled like a LAN party
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
