Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
