i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
