the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
