threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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