I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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