I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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