last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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