Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
