No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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