my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Houston, we have a squirter
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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