i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
