24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.