My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
