Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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