My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
