My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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