Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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