so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
