I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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