So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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