FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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