Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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