Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
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