My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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