put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
