I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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