There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
