New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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