you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
