if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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