i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
