Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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