i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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