pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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