it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
