The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
