he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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