Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
