Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
