did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I still have a little drunk in my system
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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