I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
