Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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