pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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