so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
