I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
