quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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