I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
honey bunches of taint.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
