wanna go halves on a baby?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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