There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
