She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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