I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
