Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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