I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
